Fifteen months ago I developed a lump the size of a walnut in my groin on the right side that turned out to be a swollen lymph node. I was treated for an unrelated UTI. Then a pressure in my pelvis began to grow. I'd never felt anything like it. Walking or standing for long periods of time made it worse. Soon a good deal of pain began to accompany it. Doctors found UTI's and a bacterial infection but nothing else until finally a 1.6 cm "cyst" on my ovary and "free fluid" in my pelvis. I was denied a specialist referral and sent for more tests. For a while I thought I would recover soon and didn't talk much about it. I sent out resumes and put down a deposit for my wedding. Things continued to progress and soon sitting down was as bad as standing and walking. It felt like a foreign object was jammed in my guts in most positions so I was always squirming to get comfortable. Lifting, carrying things, and bending over became too bothersome to attempt. I had other strange symptoms come and go. Sometimes I got the feeling I wasn't "finished" after peeing and no more UTI's were found to explain it. I produced excessive saliva and spit in a cup because swallowing it all made me nauseous. That nasty business eventually stopped for good but would last from 12 to 24 hours each time. My skin changed from a little dry to always greasy. I got acne and couldn't wear makeup to cover it up. My thyroid acted up and then was fine. I wasn't ovulating. My already miserable periods got longer and stronger. Simple exercise on the floor hurt too much. I felt emotional all the time and had some downright nasty days. I had fatigue. Minor injuries were getting infected and healing slowly. The pelvic pressure was by far the worst part. Constant, distracting, and difficult to explain. Slowly but steadily growing stronger all the time.
I turned down a job I wanted, didn't return to school as planned, and canceled the wedding. I finally had exploratory surgery this past July and things came into focus a bit. I have endometriosis and interstitial cystitis. I'm starting new treatments and still haven't found a way to get rid of the pressure. But I'm closer than I was fifteen months ago!
The pain didn't end up destroying me even when it looked certain to. It cast shadows on people I used to think would be there for me including doctors and family. It isolated me and hurt my self-esteem. It took so long to get anywhere that I thought I might die before I did. Now we know my life isn't really in danger and that's a good start. The pain has simply changed things, and not only on the inside.
Spring 2012
Summer 2013
"It takes more courage to suffer than to die."
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